I don't know how to explain the change in the past few days. The change in your smile and the way you say things. It's all so far from what I know. I feel like when I said goodbye you did a complete 180 on me and for the first time I don't know what to think or the right things to say. I can't understand why or what you're feeling. I wish you'd tell me something. Nothing feels right in this situation. So maybe I should just keep quiet and let you have some space? It's the only thing I can think is good for right now. And it's eating me alive because I want to say something to make you think differently or to understand. You don't have to be on the defense. I want to understand you. This song says it better than I do.

Scared by Albert Hammond, Jr.

You know that something inside of you
Still plays a part in what i do, always
I'm here for you
I think that if we were all we had
That's more than most people ever have, anyway
Oh anyway, you can stay here

I know you're still there because you're scared that you'll lose everybody
I know you're still there because you're scared that you'll lose everything
I know you're still there because you're scared

I'm here if you're scared to go through
Anything just reach out in front of you, always
Won't you stay near
So close we played it as if we cared
Don't stop now that we're almost there, anyway
Oh i'm here for you

I just woke up. A little frantic, might I add. I keep having vivid dreams every night and worse when I sleep during the day. I've decided to start writing them down, since I don't talk about it. Tonight, I was working in a fall festival, it was really dark and gloomy, I'm working a booth where these net circles, you stretch them out and the children pull out a number and they get a prize depending on the number. I seem distracted and overrun by the children so I just start giving them the candy. My sister is behind me trying to get me to do it right, then my whole family comes over to my booth. My Grammy is right in front of me, I can hear her voice, but I can't make out the words. It felt so real. The only time I get to hear her voice is in my dreams now. My Papa is standing right beside her and talking about her in past tense as if she's gone already. I'm speechless. I can't stop staring at her. I tell my Papa once, to stop talking like that, she's right there. And I just keep staring, confused. Then she goes to move around the pole and I go behind the pole to keep staring and she's gone.  So I go looking for her, trying to hear her voice again. This dream was a little bit different from the normal ones I have. The usual ones, I'm just searching for her the entire time or I'm reliving the entire time I was home from watching her die to going to the funeral over and over again and I wake up crying or screaming. So this one was a little better. More confusion following as always.

I don't think my "friend" helped much this weekend. I've never hated someone as much as I hate him right now, I can't promise if I see him I won't hit him in his fucking face. He knows our relationship is strictly PLATONIC and that I hang out mostly by myself or a few good friends. Mostly I keep to myself. I'm kind of always changing friend groups bc I haven't found people I like to hang out with for too long. But he is another type of situation. He is always, ALWAYS, negative, down, trying to get my sympathy and threatening suicide when we don't hang out. When these red flags started to arise in our friendship, I started to distance myself. I don't feel any emotions and I can't empathize with people or their "problems" right now. And I cannot handle the stress of it all. Friendships, note, should never be as stressful as this one has been. I'm just angry because he knows how I am and that I just live day to day and do what I want. I don't live my life for other people anymore, I gave that up a long time ago. And he decided to choose me, knowing some of the shit in my head I'm still trying to sort through, and he wants to take ME on his fucking roller coaster of emotional hell. Every other day he's sending me texts out of the blue saying our friendship is done, normally I just brush it off, stay away, have patience and wait for him to come back to normal. But this weekend, he finally fucked up chances at repairing our friendship for GOOD. HE sent me a text out of the blue, the first one I get all day from him and he says "our friendship is OVER, I'm done with you." I'm tired of this back and forth bullshit when I haven't done anything, so I fucking lose it. I text back "did we sleep in the same bed last night? HAVE WE EVER SLEPT IN THE SAME FUCKING BED?" So I answered and said no, so shut the fuck up and don't text me anymore. And he just kept going all the way into the morning and I hadn't said anymore. I didn't feel bad, I was tired of him making me feel like the shitty person, when in actuality i'm the one who has been taking the blunt of every angry, emotional day he has. But he really crossed the fucking line, when he sent me the next text and said," I know why your grammy died, because she gave up, just like you, so blame yourself for everything" He has no idea what he's even beginning to talk about and immediately I'm fueled, never hit someone in my life and I'm ready to search for him and pummel his face in. I still haven't been able to stop thinking about it or really calm down. It's been a couple days now and I just can't really seem to be nice about everything and all the trouble he has caused me. Hate me, I don't care, but even i could have had the human decency to hold my tongue on such a sensitive subject. Not out of respect for him but for the person who is deceased, that wasn't fair to bring her into it at all. And that really fucking hurts.